Series of Inconsiderate Occasions
by VampHime
Summary: In which the universe is spitting on Harry, Ginny is less sadistic than usual, and James is just REALLY special. Rated T because the Potters are certifiably crazy.
1. Meet the Potters

**My first Harry Potter fanfiction, ever. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: If Harry Potter were mine I wouldn't be here writing crappy fanfiction.**

* * *

She supposed it could have been worse.

Okay, so yes, James _had_ somehow managed to blow up an entire block of stores on Diagon Alley.

And yes, yes Albus had actually reduced Madame Malkin's assistants to miserable tears through his long, exhausting speeches of the proper way to tend for robes and the materials that were unacceptable as fabric. [It appeared Scorpius was finally beginning to rub off on him.]

Again.

And, Ginny realized with grim realization, Lily had again kidnapped a goblin. Of course she would inherit her father's ability to piss off the Wizard Bank's magical owners. Of course she would inherit that stupid, patented 'I'm innocent how could you think that of me' look that her father was practically famous for.

And yes, yes, a thousand times yes, the entire Potter-Weasley family _had_ caused so much considerable grief that they had been banned for life from Diagon Alley.

But that was beside the point.

The point was that she needed a book from Flourish and Blotts for the information she'd need for her Quidditch, and she couldn't do that if the DDA or Diagon Defense Association lookout warned the store owners to close shop as soon as she got near.

Ginny Potter was annoyed.

* * *

"Alright, _listen up_. I am leaving for exactly," she glanced at her watch, "thirty-eight minutes, starting now. Wreck the house and I will murder you. Leave the house and I will murder you. Follow me and I will _murder you_. Understood?"

"Chill, mom." said Lily, "We're good kids."

James and Albus snorted simultaneously.

Lily looked only slightly put off, "Okay, relatively good kids."

James coughed. Ginny's eyebrow went up.

"Fine, fine, we won't blow anything up." Lily threw her hands up and huffed.

"_We_, referring to Lily and me," piped in Albus, "There's no promise with James, though."

James grinned at his mom innocently. "No explosions here."

Ginny sighed. Her house would be lucky to survive the first five minutes of her absence. Next time, she vowed silently, I'll chain Harry to them. Make _him_ babysit. Oh yes.

Then the doorbell rang.

Who the _bloody hell_ would be ringing the doorbell? If it was any of the family they'd just floo. Hell, if it was that stupid, muggle cousin of Harry's asking if she could babysit _his_ monsters as well there would be blood.

Lots of it.

Ginny opened the door. It was Scorpius Malfoy. He looked up at her with the same cool gray eyes that she used to abhor on his father.

"Hello, Mrs. Potter," he said.

"Ginny," she said insistently, "It's Ginny."

'Mrs. Potter'? Damn, she was getting old.

"Come in," she said glancing at her watch again, okay thirty minutes. She could work with that. She could do this.

But _Hell, _she was _not_ leaving her house to be abolished now. Not with the Malfoy there to help with the mass destruction. Leaving them alone before would be reckless; leaving the four of them together alone in her house was just stupidity.

"I can do this." She wasn't convinced.

* * *

"Hermione, I can't do this."

Hermione resisted the urge to roll her eyes, disgusting habit, really. "Ginny, just call Harry and get _him_ to buy the book for you. They'll let him in eventually, you know how good he is with guilt trips."

Ginny scowled darkly, "Yeah, I do."

"Problem solved."

"NO. I want to get out of this house and _away_ from these devil spawn you call family."

Hermione sighed, putting down the last, largest book in the Series of Inconsiderate Occasions Volume 8. "Okay, whatever makes you happy."

"So you'll call him?"

"_You_ need to call him, Ginny."

"_After what I said to him_? No way. He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. He married you, didn't he?"

"NNNNNG. What if he wants a divorce?"

"Ginny. Stop talking."

"And then-"

"Ginny. I'm calling him. Now go away."

Ginny's head in the fire smiled gratefully in the middle of her tirade, "Thanks, Mione."

"Don't mention it."

Ginny pulled her head out of the green flames and smirked victoriously, Hermione was a sucker for keeping the familial peace.

"Okay, twenty minutes. I could _possibly_ do this."

_If I apparated. Five minutes ago. …Damn._

* * *

"DAD!"

"Yo, dad."

"Hn."

"Hey, Mr. Potter."

"Hey, where's your mom?"

"In the kitchen," said Albus slowly, he looked dubiously over his shoulder at the archway into their mother's culinary hideout. "She said if we even stepped a _foot_ into the kitchen she'd _Avada Kedavra_ us out of our existence."

Harry too looked into the kitchen tentatively.

"You think I could just-"

They were already shaking their heads.

"Just- call out to her maybe?"

"Be a man, dad," said Lily scornfully. "Face your fears and what not."

"We'll make sure she doesn't do anything voodoo-ish to your corpse dad," James said solemnly.

Harry wondered where he'd gone wrong.

* * *

"Er, Ginny- dearest?" Harry poked his head hesitantly into the kitchen.

"Oh, come in."

Harry relaxed. Maybe he'd get out of this with all his limbs intact this time.

"Hermione said there was an emergency."

"Um, yes. I need you to watch the kids."

"Where're you going?"

Neither found it odd that one sixteen year old, one fourteen year old girl and two fifteen year old boys would be classified an emergency. Their generation was awful, truly.

"Diagon Alley."

Harry stared back at her blankly. "We're banned."

"Oh, please, as if it's not the eighth time they've done this."

"Ninth," Harry verified, "But, maybe we should give them another month to calm down from the… er, emotional trauma."

"All you're doing is putting it off, might as well just go back now. I need information for my article."

"And you can't just _order_ it?"

"Hermione suggested that but no, you know how Hedwig the third and Pigwideon II get around other owls."

Harry remembered the last time. The mournful hoots and ripping of feathers still haunted him at nights, "Oh, alright. But I'm getting a favour."

"Git."

"Love you too."

* * *

"Okay, guys. Behave. No screaming matches. You have at least an hour until I get home. Your rooms better be clean by then because we're having a family dinner-"

"Like we do every week-"

"So get dressed-"

"If Teddy wears a shirt so will I-"

"And don't cause your father any trouble."

Four pairs of almost innocent eyes blinked back at her. She said 'almost' because she knew for a fact that these doe eyes were each studiously practiced in front of their mirrors for hours. Lily always had the best one because she had the most mirrors in her haunted room of pink.

Ginny shuddered. Best not let her mind wander.

"I'm off."

* * *

**This is how long I made it take for Ginny to actually **_**leave**_** the house.**

**Oh, this is terrible. I'm not even going to proof read this.**

**Review ? & I'll post the next chapter. :')**


	2. Glitter and Explosions p1

"How did people wear these?" Victoire was gasping and her usually pale face was slowly turning purple from lack of oxygen. "Loosen the ties! _Loosen them, damn it._"

Lily tore at the knots at the back of her cousin's corset, "You don't actually have to wear it, you know."

Victoire scowled darkly, "I will _not_ lose."

Lily pretended to yawn to hide her smirk, she was the one that had given Teddy the idea to start the bet with her- Victoire would kill her if she knew- and was waiting for her stubborn cousin to give in. It'd be a beautiful sight.

"I mean, so what if Teddy looks better in old English female clothes than you? You're still the bomb diggedy."

Victoire groaned. Why was her family so embarrassing? She grit her teeth, "Lily, shut up. Seriously."

"Did someone say, Sirius?" James and Fred walked in with a bag of colourful sweets.

"_No_," said Victoire hopelessly, "No more Sirius jokes. I'm serious."

James was about to tell her that no, actually _he_ was Sirius but never got the chance.

Lily had eaten one of the candies in Fred's bag. And disappeared. Loudly. In an explosion of glitter and shrill invisible screams along the lines of "_WHAT DID YOU DO? WHERE ARE MY LEGS-_ _AVADA KEDAV- choke sputter-"_ before a complete silence.

Everyone stared wordlessly at the glitter covered patch of ground that had once been Lily Luna.

Victoire gaped at the space where Lily's head was just moments before, "What just happened?"

"Oh, well we're screwed."

* * *

**BAHAHAHA. Ohkay the reason this is so short is because this is part 1 and I was dying to put this up or else I never would and-**

**Oh, yes. I'm done.**

**{I spell with 'ou' in 'favourite' and 'colourful' because I'm from Jamaica. Which means BRITISH SPELLING. So don't review me about my spelling, thanks.}**


	3. Glitter and Explosions p2

**Part 2 of Glitter and Explosions.**

* * *

"When I find those two- how the hell could I eat that candy- Stupid, stupid," Lily grumbled as she stomped her way down the cobblestone sidewalk. It was dark and cold and she was pissed off at everything and everybody.

"Why's it so damn quiet," she hissed and shivered. The temperature was dropping quickly. Then the world started shaking. Or maybe it was the pavement, or her body.

The street lamp next to her fell forward, plunging her into darkness.

Okay, pavement it is then.

She heard a large crack behind her, as if someone was apparating. She whirled around, fumbling in her pocket for her wand, "Who's there?" she shouted. _SHIT, WHERE'S MY WAND._

* * *

"_We're_ screwed? I think you mean _you_ are screwed. I was never even here," Victoire backed out of the room. Oh no, she was _not_ going to be around when Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny found out Lily had gone- poof, or something along those lines.

"Never thought you to be a coward, Vicky," smirked Fred.

Victoire's eyes narrowed, "Don't call me Vicky. I'll hurt you. I'm not being a coward, I'm being smart. Just wait till your mom finds out, James, she'll kill you."

"Nah," James was the only one not standing up, he was examining the wrapper for the candy Lily ate, "She'll throw a party. One down, two to go."

Victoire couldn't deny the truth in this. Aunt Ginny was as equally likely to do this as she was to storm out of the house on Fridays to stay with her parents and get away from her own children.

"Which one'd she eat, James?" Fred asked.

"…"

"James?"

"…"

"James?" Victoire and Fred said.

"Oh shit."

* * *

Lily woke up hanging upside down. At least, it felt upside down. She couldn't be sure because she couldn't open her eyes, the place felt damp and cold. She was tied to something, possibly to the ceiling and- _WHY AM I BEING SO CALM ABOUT BEING TIED TO A BLOODY CEILING?_

She finally wrenched her eyes open and stared into the dark gloom. Her eyes adjusted and she had to bite down on her lip to stop from screaming in happiness. There was a unicorn the size of a car standing right in front of her and it was _so fluffy she could die._ _**SO. FLUFFY.**_

"Want," she whispered.

The unicorn looked up at her words and stared coolly at her. Lily looked up and saw that yes, she _was_ chained to the ceiling upside down in a damp, cold dungeon. Fun stuff.

Back to the unicorn that _would_ be hers. She was already thinking of names. She couldn't shake Princess Prettypants or Rainbow out of her head. _MINEMINEMINEMINEMINE._

Then the door to the dungeon -that she'd never noticed seeing as the prettypretty unicorn had distracted her from _finding an escape route_- opened.

A tall figure wrapped in a black cloak slinked into the room. It's dark narrowed eyes flicked around the dungeon before landing on Lily and the unicorn. The figure stopped and with a laugh like nails on chalkboard, it pulled out its wand.

The figure pointed its wand at her, "You. You're probably wondering who I am, muggle."

_Muggle_? It thought she was a bloody _muggle_? Oh I'll show you muggle. Then she remembered that she didn't have her wand because she'd put it on her bed while helping Victoire tie her corset. _NNNNGGG. _

"I'll tell you," whispered the dark figure, "seeing as you are going to die anyway. I am the Dark Lord's _most faithful- coughughstupidcoldcough-_ servant."

Lily felt herself freeze at those words, they were completely unfamiliar but- _This is a message from your stomach: FOOOOOOOD_- it still sent a chill down her spine. But that may have been hunger because lunch ended five minutes ago- _focus._

"I am Bellatrix Lestrange," the figure pulled down the hood of her cloak and revealed a woman with long, messy dark curls and pitch black eyes so deep Lily felt they were black holes trying to suck her in.

She knew the name of Bellatrix Lestrange, she was Sirius's cousin, _she'd_ been the one to kill him. But, Lily thought with a sinking feeling, grandma Molly killed her _years ago_.

Lily sighed.

This was not her day.

* * *

Fred grabbed the wrapper out of James' hand and examined it closely.

"… Oh _shit_."

James was staring blankly at the wall, twitching at random intervals and rocking himself slowly.

"_WHAT IN MERLIN'S MOST BAGGY FRONTS IS GOING ON HERE?_" Victoire stomped her foot, then paused, _stomped her foot_, damn. She needed to stop spending so much time with Lily.

Fred had curled into the fetal position, "James and I accidentally put the time travel candy in the bag and Lily ate it."

Victoire's eyes narrowed, "I don't believe in accidents when it comes to you two."

James' voice was hollow, "_Not the whip, oh god._"

Victoire realized James was thinking about Aunt Ginny's milder, er, disciplinary devices.

"If the potion worked correctly it would have sent Lily back in time to around the time of the 'Final Battle'" Fred said, "With red hair like hers, all alone? She'll be killed on sight if a Death Eater gets to her first, and they were _everywhere_."

Victoire gulped. No spa today.

"Oh," she said almost calmly, "well, _shit._"

* * *

**I'm being so good with this story. _So good_.**

**I don't actually like this chapter. :\ Let me know what you think?**

**Part 3 may or may not come out Tuesday...**


	4. Glitter and Explosions p3 Dear Merlin

**PART 3 OF GLITTER & EXPLOSIONS.

* * *

**

"Okay, we're all here, right?" James looked around at the Weasley-Potter and one Malfoy gathering.

"Maybe it'd be easier to tell if there weren't so bloody many of you," Scorpius muttered.

"Shut up, Malfoy," said Rose, Victoire and James.

"Why are we here?" said Rose looking disgruntled. James noticed that her hair was messier than usual and her first two buttons were undone. Curious.

"Um," Victoire was looking distinctly uncomfortable and kept shooting sheepish glances at Teddy, "Lily's gone."

"Gone?" Al looked unsurprised.

"She finally cracked and ran away from home?" Scorpius looked impressed.

"Er, no," Fred looked worried but couldn't help being a little smug, "She ate my Time-Twister Taffy-"

"Merlin, that was dumb-"

"-And got sent into the past-"

Al shook his head slowly.

"-And we've got to save her before the Death Eaters spot her!"

"… And you couldn't just tell mum and dad this?"

"Er, no," said James matter-of-factly, "They would have brutally murdered us then danced on our graves."

"And we definitely don't want that," drawled Scorpius, smirking at James.

Rose snickered quietly into her hand and James was getting increasingly more suspicious. Scorpius' hair _did _look more ruffled than usual; and they had carefully arranged themselves in their seating around each other as if-

"Bloody hell!" shouted James suddenly.

"What?" everyone froze.

"You're not- you're not _sleeping with him_ are you?"

A moment of long awkward silence, like the ones you get when your cousin shouts out to the rest of your cousins that you're sleeping with another cousin's best friend. I'm sure you know that one.

Rose's face was starting to resemble a quaffle in colour.

"James!" she hissed.

Al turned to Scorpius slowly, "You're sleeping with my cousin?" he said lowly.

Scorpius was so pale he practically blended in with the tiles, "Al-" he started.

Al whipped out his wand ad pointed it at his best friend.

"Albus!" Ginny's voice came so suddenly everybody jumped. Ginny was standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips.

"Mom!" said James hollowly; his eyes automatically unfocused. _So many cattle prods._

"Ginny," Victoire said nervously. The woman was _scary_, when pissed.

Albus just looked back at his mother levelly. His wand was still pointed at Scorpius. Ginny paused for a moment; he looked so much like his dad just then-

"What in Merlin's name is going on here?" she screeched, "Put your wand away, Albus, you're underage."

Al slowly lowered his wand, still glaring fiercely at the boy that had practically been his brother for six years.

Rose's face was gradually turning redder.

Victoire stood in the corner looking momentarily flabbergasted. Hugo was sitting with Molly whispering; they probably hadn't even noticed anything that happened in the last half hour; most likely discussing something dreadfully boring like cauldron bottoms, knowing them.

Then Teddy strutted into the room in a gold Victorian dress. He looked from Ginny, to Albus, to the still gaping Victoire. "Ah," he said, "Bad timing."

Victoire face palmed.

* * *

**I'm pretty sure there's only going to be two more parts to Glitter & Explosions then we're FREE.**

**I love putting Teddy in dresses- :')  
**


	5. Glitter and Explosions p4 Psychos

**PART 4 OF GLITTER & EXPLOSIONS

* * *

**

Teddy had thankfully changed into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.

"Let's get this started then," said James.

"Finally," sneered Scorpius, seeing Teddy in a dress had been an awkward experience, especially because he looked so _good_ in it…

_No- think, think of Rose in a bra- _Scorpius' brain scrambled for a distraction, _Wait! No- Al is still glaring at you, damn-_

"Right," said James slowly, Scorpius had started mumbling to himself oddly.

"Why didn't you just tell your mother when she came in?" said Molly sitting up straighter in her chair and pushing her glasses higher up her nose. "She could have helped, you know."

"Are you bloody crazy? Or have you not been listening?" James scowled at her, "I can't. She'll rip me to pieces… If dad doesn't get me first-"

Everyone in the room shuddered. Uncle Harry didn't get mad often but when he did… He could make you wish you'd just jumped off a cliff and save yourself the torture.

"He's a bit of a sadist actually," observed Rose from her corner on the opposite side of the room from Scorpius. Albus had insisted. "I mean, it's more obvious with Aunt Ginny because she'll do this little cackle while she's doing it, but they _both_ seem to enjoy dragging out their torture-"

"Rose!" Teddy finally yelled, breaking all the Potter-Weasley children out of their fearful reveries, "Just- just, let it go will you?" He shuddered.

Scorpius shook his head slowly, "My father was right, you people really are mad."

"Oi," protested the Weasleys. James shrugged, it _was_ technically true…

"THAT IS NOT THE POINT OF THIS MEETING," Victoire screamed finally, "WE ARE HERE TO SAVE LILY, SO-SHUT-UP!"

Everyone turned to stare at her, her face had turned a dangerous reddish purple colour and she was shaking slightly.

Fred and James mimed zipping their lips and throwing her the keys.

Victoire looked around at them fiercely and seemingly satisfied, sat back in her chair, "Good," and nodded to James to continue the meeting _he_ had called to order in the first place.

"Er," said James glancing at Victoire nervously, "Right, so since we all have to go find Lily-"

"Why?" groaned Albus slightly, "I mean, we could just leave her there."

James nodded solemnly, "I would. And I'm pretty sure mom wouldn't mind! But, I think dad actually _likes_ Lily."

Teddy shook his head slightly, "Your poor sister."

"What?" said Al incredulously, "Have you heard her scream? _Have you seen her bloody room?_ It's. Not. Human."

* * *

"I WILL **KILL** YOU. LET GO OF MY HAIR, DO YOU KNOW HOW FRIGGIN' LONG IT TOOK TO GET MY HAIR THIS TAME?" Lily shrieked loudly, kicking Bellatrix in the shin and knocking her wand out of her hand. Her voice was so shrill, Bellatrix was distinctly sure she had heard the window glass break. How dare she!

"STOP SCREAMING AT ME, STUPID BLOODY MUGGLE!" Bellatrix shrieked back at her, scrabbling for her wand.

"Oh- No- You- Don't!" Lily kicked the wand out of Bellatrix's reach and they fell over onto the floor.

Brandishing long, manicured nails Lily scraped them down Bellatrix's face. _Catfight_ thought Lily satisfied, _now _this _is something I can handle._

Bellatrix screamed and batted at Lily feebly, "No- no get off! I can't-"

Lily pushed the dazed woman down and winked at the unicorn that was still standing in the middle of the room triumphantly, and dived for the Death Eater's wand. Bellatrix yelled some rather nasty words that Lily was just going to _pretend she never heard_, thank you.

"Er, what's that stunning spell again?

"Stupefy?" Bellatrix suggested.

"Right, stupefy!" a flash of bright red light and Bellatrix fell over.

Lily walked up to her slowly then conjured up some ropes to tie the psycho.

"No one touches my hair, lady. _No one._"

* * *

"And she's bloody mental about her hair," continued Al.

"Stop ranting and start brainstorming!" Victoire pointed her wand threateningly at her cousin.

"Alright!" said Rose finally, "I have a plan, but it's important that you _listen_."

She turned to glare at James who was insistently looking anywhere but at her.

"And do EVERYTHING I say. Here goes-"


	6. G&E p5 There's No Place Like Home

**I just realized that Roxanne, Dom and Louis are nowhere in this story. Might add them sometime later, hmm?**

**This is the last part of Glitter & Explosions, and then I can get on with the rest of my little story things- [These don't seem to count as drabbles anymore…]

* * *

**

It was _way_ too quiet upstairs. Ginny was starting to panic. _Calm down_, she thought, _it's nothing. They're not doing anything._ That was the problem. What in the name of all things magical was going _on_ up there?

…Wait.

James and Albus were up there, Rose, Scorpius, Victoire, Teddy, Fred, Percy's annoying lot, Hugo… Someone was missing…

Ginny tiptoed up the stairs, -paranoia? Of course not, don't be silly- and peeked around the slightly open door into James' room. Lily wasn't there.  
Ginny considered pretending she hadn't realized and just going on with her life, but Harry would eventually come home and ask for the little oddball and she'd have to tell him _something_. Why'd she have to marry a family man?

* * *

"So, I think that should pretty much solve our problem."

James' eyes had glazed over five seconds into her explanation. Scorpius liked to think he'd lasted reasonably longer but by the end of her mini-speech he was halfway through the Scottish anthem.

"Er," Teddy had been listening… mostly… kind of, "if you think that'll work then sure."

Victoire rolled her eyes at the boys who were trying to pretend they hadn't completely zoned out, "I think that's a feasible plan, Rosie."

"At least _someone_ was listening," Rose huffed and sat down on James' bed.

"So we should just-"

"Where's Lily?" Ginny walked in, watching them suspiciously.

"Err," Teddy said hesitantly.

"Did she run away from home or something? Don't bother covering up for her," she warned.

"_Err,_" Teddy repeated, backing away from her. Victoire and the others shadowed him while James and Fred made a break for the exit.

"I don't think so," Ginny said sweetly, closing the door behind her, "see, my daughter's kind of _not here_ and I need to know where she is. No one's leaving until then."

Silence.

James considered jumping out the window. It was only three stories up, really. Breaking his neck wouldn't be so bad…

"Does anyone want to tell me where she is?"

Molly raised her hand and sat up straighter. Ginny sighed, "We're not at Hogwarts, Molly, no need to raise your hand."

"Traitor," hissed James.

Molly glared at him, "We should have brought this to an authority figure to begin with."

"Brought _what_?" Ginny asked exasperatedly. _Authority figure? Seriously?_

"Lily's been sent back in time," Molly answered dutifully.

Victoire face palmed again. This would be the _last time_ she invited Molly anywhere, Lucy too, she was growing up to be just like her goddamn sister.

* * *

"Okay, how the _hell_ do I get home?" Lily had returned Bellatrix's wand, it didn't quite work with her and she wouldn't need it anyway, pshh.

The unicorn tossed its mane haughtily and subtly shook the manacles around its legs as though saying, _Well, you could start with setting me free_.

"Only if you promise not to run away," and now Lily was talking to a unicorn, fantastic, she was losing her marbles too.

The unicorn snorted. "Shall I take that for a yes?" Lily asked. He snorted again. "Sweet."

She went back to the unconscious Death Eater and yanked the key off from the necklace around her neck.

"Stay still," and she was _still _talking to the prettyprettypretty unicorn. Garblegarblegarble-

"You're free." The unicorn took a few cautious steps then nuzzled its snout into Lily's hair.

_SQUEEEE~

* * *

_

"So, you're trying to tell me that Lily ate your candy and got sent back in time?"

They nodded, afraid to speak. Ginny's face was changing colours, and then she seemed to calm down.

Ginny shrugged, "If you're all _so_ afraid of me, you might as well go get her home before she gets killed. Do that and we'll just pretend this never happened?"

More silent nodding. Scorpius wasn't even certain what was so scary about her, she wasn't _doing_ anything.

"Good." Ginny left.

"… Let's go save Lily before she changes her mind."

* * *

"I know right? Gosh, boys are so stupid… It's so hard sometimes, you know?"

The unicorn snorted sympathetically; at least _she_ understood Lily's pain.

"And then they act like-"

"_**! I DON'T WANT TO DIEEEEEEEEEEE-!"**_

James, Victoire, Teddy, Rose, Scorpius, Fred and Al fell through what looked like a gigantic black hole unto the dungeon floor in a painful heap.

"Ow," said Lily watching her relatives scramble to their feet, "That must've hurt."

"You think?" James rubbed his head where he'd fallen.

"Don't worry about the brain damage," Rose said, "There's not much more to be done."

Scorpius and Al snorted. James glared and Teddy turned his attention to Lily who was pouting at them.

"What took you so long?"

What was he supposed to say? _About that, we were actually considering _leaving_ you here- Wait, was that a unicorn? _

"Nice unicorn," Victoire ignored the others and went to stand next to Lily, "We should take her home with us."

"That's what _I_ was thinking," Lily nodded approvingly.

"Where would you put it, though?" Scorpius asked, and then felt stupid because there were a _lot_ of places in that huge goddamn manor of theirs that a unicorn could go. Hell, there was enough space for a bunch of little unicorn families…

Which brought him to wonder what the Potters needed in a five story- not counting their monster sized attic- house. Exactly how many kids were they planning to have?

The others just stared at him as he continued to ramble on to himself.

"Nice taste you got there," Victoire snorted.

"Shut up, you thought he was fit too," Rose huffed.

Teddy choked. Victoire tossed her pale vela hair over her shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah. Can we go now?"

Princess Prettypants- Lily had decided on this name for her unicorn- ducked her head- nearly gauging Teddy's eye out in the process, that's what you get for standing so close, boy- and nudged Lily's shoulder.

"So you _do_ want to come with us then?" Lily thought she was going to explode with excitement.

So did the others as they decided to back away from her. The unicorn snorted and tossed its mane impatiently.

"You heard the lady," Lily said, turning to the others, "Let's _go_."

James regretted having to bring her home. She was a hazard to society, she was.

Rose took out more of the candy that Fred and James had made to bring them back to their original time. She'd labeled and colour categorized them, damn O.C.D wouldn't leave her alone sometimes.

"If you want to take the unicorn with you you're going to have to give her a piece of your candy which will make you both arrive a few minutes behind us, in which case you'll just have to stay hidden until you hear us arrive so that your mom doesn't blow you up or something."

"'Kay," Lily shrugged, broke off a piece of her taffy and fed it to her unicorn who promptly disappeared, "See ya later-" then she was gone too.

* * *

Harry walked in and froze. He couldn't hear any of the usual noises he usually heard when he got home. No screaming Ginny telling the boys to shut up so she could get on with her article. No sadistic cackling coming from Lily's room. No explosions from James' room… Harry felt suddenly _very_ worried.

And then the noise came rushing back so suddenly Harry wasn't sure it ever even left. There was an explosion, this one louder than most. Ginny was shrieking at James inside his room. Lily was giggling and- was that _neighing_ he heard?

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S MOST BAGGY FRONTS MADE YOU THINK YOU HAD TO BRING A UNICORN HOME? HAVEN'T YOU MESSED WITH THE FLIPPING UNIVERSE ENOUGH TODAY?"

"Err," Harry ducked his head around the door and saw just about all of his nieces and nephews gathered in his room being yelled at by Ginny. Then he noticed Teddy's turquoise- oh wait, no purple, it was changing colours- hair and Scorpius trying to pretend he was a tree… Okay, then.

Ginny paused in her ranting to turn and smile at Harry, "Hello, Harry. How was work?"

Harry who was used to Ginny being bipolar smiled back, "It was great, thanks love."

Ginny nodded and returned to her yelling. Lily winked and _did the unicorn just wink too_? Headache… James cowered and Al probably wasn't even paying attention.

Rose was pulling anxiously at her hair, hoping Aunt Ginny wouldn't be so cruel as to tell her parents what happened today. Ron would laugh it off with George who'd be proud of Fred, but Hermione would probably lecture her to tears…

Harry sighed and ducked back out again, whatever was going on he _really_ did _not_ want to know.

* * *

**AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.**

**Sorry I took so long to put this up, I had a minor writer's block and I'm in the middle of writing for NaNoWriMo – which I'm sure you probably don't care about- blahblahblah. Vote on the poll on my profile?**

**[Hope this chapter made **_**somebody**_** smile. Thanks to Kira, who is the reason this went up today. Kira, review or I'll kill you. Thanks.]**

**Reviews motivate me to update. :') **


	7. Calm Before The Storm

**OKAY, So if anyone actually cares about this story I'm actually _really_ sorry.  
I had the world's most disgusting case of writer's block that I am still trying to get away from, so in the mean time please accept this horrible update as a peace offering.  
I warn you, it is a rather pathetic excuse for a chapter but its over 500 words, so-  
**

**Disclaimer: Beginning idea for this story from Opalish's _Scorpius Malfoy and the Improbable Plot_ [which needs to be updated]  
If I owned Harry Potter I wouldn't be here writing crappy fanfiction.  
**

* * *

It was a quiet day at Potter Manor. Well, as quiet as it ever got of course. Ginny was savouring the almost-quiet before a storm. Rose, Hugo, Fred, Roxanne, Victoire, Dominique, Louis, Scorpius and Teddy were supposed to be coming over.

"One more hour," said Harry rushing around, "I have one more hour to get the hell out of this house-"

"Oh no, you don't," Ginny hissed, grabbing his arm, "If I have to suffer _you_ have to suffer with me."

"I took them last week," Harry begged.

Ginny raised an eyebrow.

"I did!" he insisted.

"And I have them the rest of the damn year," she reminded him.

"I'm running an Auror office filled with sadistic, law-upholding toddlers!"

"Harry," she growled.

"Ginny," he replied.

"_James_!" a voice squealed.

They jumped and spun around to see their eldest vault into the kitchen.

They both stared blankly at him.

"What?" he said, breaking out of his superhero stance and crossing his arms, "Lily was being creepy and Al is brooding in his room, so I decided to be totally awesome down here!"

"… Can I go now?" Harry pleaded.

"No. If you leave me here with them I'll end up killing our children."

Harry paused. Freedom? Or his children? Freedom…

He sighed, "Fine, fine."

"Good," Ginny said smugly.

* * *

"Potter,"

"Malfoy,"

"I still don't understand how this is happening,"

"Don't worry," Harry answered drily, "I don't either."

The two men watched their sons hunched over a stack of suspicious papers, probably plotting.

"It's like the universe is spitting on us," Harry observed.

Draco nodded and walked away, they could only be in the same place for so long before the urge to hex each other into oblivion became too much.

Ginny smirked at their thinly veiled discomfort around each other and turned to see what the rest of her large dysfunctional family was doing.

"Bloody hell," Hugo whispered, poking at a suspicious-looking blob with his wand.

"I know right?" Lily nodded triumphantly, pleased with herself, "I'm pretty sure if I show it to Uncle George he'll help me blow it up or something."

Ginny decided she _really_ did not want to know what the blob was.

And then somebody bombed her kitchen. The entire house shook, Al and Scorpius steadied their papers, Harry and Draco collided and swore, Lily's blob disappeared under the table and Ginny almost crashed into the bookcase.

"JAMES. SIRIUS. POTTER," Ginny screamed.

"It wasn't me!" a voice called back from the kitchen. There was a sound of something breaking and other voices in the background cursing loudly.

"Ruddy bombs- faulty-" Louis was growling.

"Shut up, idiot. They're not faulty and you know it," Fred said back defensively, they had gotten them from his dad.

"They detonated ten minutes early!" Louis retorted, coughing.

"Just -_cough_- shut up and-" James collapsed in a coughing fit and Fred smirked, conjuring a glass of water for him.

"Scourgify," James muttered, taking the glass.

Ginny couldn't wait for this day to end so she could have her house back to herself and _Merlin_, why did her kids have to be the social type, anyway?

"Where'd it go," Lily cried, dragging Hugo down to look for the blob with her. She absolutely could _not_ lose that thing. It was going to make her filthy, stinkin' _rich_.

* * *

"This is pretty cute," Victoire said, holding up a pencil skirt to her waist, experimentally.

"This is cuter," Dominique insisted, holding up a pleated skirt.

"They look the _same_," Rose moaned despairingly, "Can I _go_ now?"

"No," they answered in unison.

The door to Lily's room slammed open and Roxanne practically flew in, "Did you miss me?"

"If I say no-" Rose started.

"I'll take it as a yes," Roxanne said, draping herself onto Lily's bed.

"Where were you all weekend?" Dominique asked, throwing the pleated skirt in Victoire's face.

"Hey-"

"Oh, I was visiting mom's parents." Roxanne blew a chocolate brown curl out of her eyes.

"The muggles? In _Jamaica_?" Dominique and Victoire were much more interested in a tropical island with beaches and boys, than in what skirts to wear next week.

"It was fantastic! And so _warm_, Merlin, its cold up here," Roxanne grinned smugly at them.

"Yeah, yeah," Rose muttered.

"_And _it was pretty much overpopulated with cute guys," she added.

"You hate us," Dom hissed.

"Shove it in my face why don't you?" Victoire huffed.

"You've both already got boyfriends," Rose reminded them.

"Doesn't mean we can't appreciate the eye candy," Dom smirked at Rose.

Rose would much rather be appreciating _her_ eye candy downstairs, but since when did her cousins care whether or not she wanted to be forced into clothes by fashion gurus?

"Oh my god, that skirt!" Roxanne squealed.

"I know right?" Dom and Victoire chorused.

"Garble," Rose buried her face in the pillow.

* * *

**Just because its horrible does _not_ give you an excuse to not review. :')**


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